Duh, Kissing
by Cj Serendipity
Summary: A Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life fanfiction. Movie-based. Lizzie decides to teach Jeremy a few very important things before they start highschool.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This is a Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life fanfiction that I have decided to write in honor of back to school. It is based on what I know of the characters from the movie because, sadly, I have never read the book. It'll probably be about 3 chapters long. I hope you enjoy it, because I've certainly enjoyed writing it! Lizzie is such a fun character to write!**

"Jeeeerrrrrremyyyyy open your dooooooooorrrrrrrr! I've been waiting out here forever and ever and by the time you finally get out here I'm gonna be old and wrinkly and have gray hair and arthritis and you're gonna be old and wrinkly and ugly and bald and have alzheimer's and you won't remember me even though I've been your best friend since forever and I'll start hitting you with my purse because that's what old ladies do, and I'll just keep hitting you and hitting you and hitting you until you remember me or die and then my arthritis will start acting up because I hit you too much and then my bones will give out and I'll just collapse right here in the hallway and we'll die together in this stupid apartment building and we won't ever be best friends ever again because we freaking killed each other just because you forgot to set your alarm and slept in and won't get up to open your dang dooooooooorrrrrrr! Jeeeeerrrremyyyyyy! Get up already!"

"Jeez Lizzie! I'm coming! Just give me a few minutes," Jeremy Fink mumbled annoyedly, covering his head with a pillow to block out the stream of shouting and knocking his best friend was creating outside the apartment door.

He warily raised the pillow above his head to discover that the knocking had stopped; Lizzie's noisy ramblings, however, had not.

"…And that wouldn't really make much sense at all though, 'cause penguins can't fly, so why the heck does everyone say they're birds? And they're all slimy-looking, and they swim, so they're more like, I dunno, feathered squid. Don't you think? So that would mean…"

He groggily untangled himself from his blankets, and shuffled into his closet to get dressed. He emerged a few minutes later wearing jeans and wrinkled t-shirt, which he mistakenly put on backwards.

He stumbled to the door and jerked it open, and Lizzie, who had been babbling something about wild geese, stopped mid-sentence, with a cheery smile on her face.

"Oh! You're awake! Good morning!" she exclaimed as though she hadn't spent the last ten minutes trying and succeeding to annoy him into consciousness.

"Yeah, morning. Awake. Great. Do you have _any_ idea what time it is?" he scowled at her.

"Yup! 7:45, Mr. Grumpy."

"And we're up at 7:45 _why_?

"_Because_, tomorrow is a very important day! Do you know what tomorrow is, Mr. Grumpy?"

"…Christmas?"

"No stupid, it's September. Tomorrow is our first day of high school!"

"Oh. But what does that have to do with today?"

"Well, we have to prepare, don't we?" Lizzie huffed exasperatedly.

"Um…Okay. If you say so. Prepare how?"

"Well first I'm going to take you to the mall because you don't seem to own any clothes that fit, and then we're going to get you some new shampoo and teach you how to wash your hair because you apparently haven't gotten that far in your training as a human being, then we're going to buy you a skateboard, because you need to know how to do at least one cool thing or you'll be viciously torn apart and then eaten on whole wheat bread."

"Why whole wheat?" Jeremy asked curiously.

"Because it's my favorite kind of bread."

"So you'll be the one eating me?"

"Maybe, if you don't stop interrupting me, Fink. May I continue, or do you have any more pointless questions?"

"No, please continue, _Muldoun_."

Lizzie narrowed her eyes slightly at his sarcasm, but moved on.

"Hmm. Then after that we'll go to Burger King, where I'll teach you how to eat without wearing half of your meal, then we'll go to the park, where you'll try to make at least one friend under the age of twenty, and finish by going back to your apartment and going over a few basic, um…skills that you may need in the years to come."

"What kinds of skills?"

Uh, just…stuff, and…things like, y'know…and other things and… stuff like that, 'kay? Now come on! Your idiocy is wasting precious time! We've got only twenty-five hours until the start of the school year! RUN!"

And with that she grabbed his hand and dragged him out the door.

**Thank you for reading! Please review! You'll get a hug! And I'll love you forever! God bless, Cj.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Here it is! Finally! **

**Faith, I am so, so sorry it took this long. For some reason, this one just took me forever to write. It wasn't writer's block, I just lacked the creative juices that I usually have flowing through my head. Then I finally finished it on Saturday, but, of course, I lost my USB thingy. You see, I write on my laptop, but we don't have wifi, so I have to put it on my USB thing, transfer it to our home computer, _then _I get to upload it. So I had a four day delay due to the loss of the thingy. But now... It. Is. HERE! And I'm so happy :3 I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for being my only reader and reviewer, both of your reviews made me smile muchly. **

**Without further ado...To the next chapter in the lives of Jeremy and Lizzie!**

Jeremy and Lizzie skidded to a stop in front of the mall, both winded from running, Lizzie still holding on to Jeremy's hand.

"So, I was thinking we should go to the skateboard-place-thingy first, so I can teach you how to ride going other places, and then we should go to Burger King because I'm getting hungry, then figure the rest out as we go, 'kay?"

"Uh…sure. Hey Liz?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I have my hand back now?"

"What? Oh! Sure. Sorry," she stammered, letting go of his hand.

"No problem," he said, slightly bewildered as her face turned a bit pink.

"Oh! And we should also go by the costume store. We might need disguises."

"Why would we need disguises?"

"You never know when you'll need to pretend to be a cat," Lizzie said seriously, as though pretending to be a cat was a very important act that should not be taken lightly.

"Ah, right. Of course."

"Well, what are we still standing here for? Come on!"

Lizzie reached out and grabbed the door handle, marching inside, Jeremy only a few steps behind her.

* * *

They had been at Longboard Loft for about ten minutes, and Jeremy was still indecisive on which board he should get. His three top choices were a white board with a vine pattern, a green board with the words BREAK THE MOLD printed on the bottom, and a red and black checkered board.

"Come on Jeremy! They're just skateboards, pick one already!" Lizzie groaned from her chair in the corner of the store.

"I can't decide which one I like best. Here, you pick," Jeremy said, holding out the three boards toward Lizzie.

"Hmmmmmmm…This one!" Lizzie pointed to the green one in the middle. "Now come on let's go buy it so we can leave."

"…But I don't know if I want to get that one," Jeremy said, quickly flinching backwards in case she tried to hit him. She did.

"Fine, I'll get it. How much is it?" she asked exasperatedly.

"40 bucks."

"Right. Cough it up, Fink."

"What?"

"I didn't tell you? You're paying for everything."

"But you're the one forcing me through all this training! I have to pay for it too?"

"Well, duh. You know I don't have any money."

"Fine, here," he said, reluctantly handing her two twenty dollar bills.

"Thank you!" she sang, skipping to the counter to purchase the board.

* * *

"Jeremy, you have to stand still. Jeremy, stop moving! You're gonna fall before you even get both feet on the board. Okay, stop. Stop. Jeremy!"

"I'm trying, Lizzie! This is hard," Jeremy complained as the skateboard slid out from under him again.

"I know. You just started learning; you can't be good at it right away. Now hold on, and let me help you. Just stand still. Put you right foot on, slowly, _slowly _Jeremy or you'll fall again. Good. Now here, hold on to my shoulder, good, and put you left foot on behind you right foot. Turn your foot a little. No, the right one. Perfect! Okay, I'm gonna walk slowly, 'til you're comfortable enough to not wobble around, then you're gonna let go and start pushing yourself, 'kay?"

"Okay. Okay, I can do this."

"'Course you can. Tell me when to go."

"Alright, go."

Lizzie slowly started walking down the sidewalk, Jeremy jerking along beside her on the skateboard. As they gained speed, Jeremy became steadier, and keeping his balance became easier.

Lizzie tapped his hand twice, signaling that it was time to let go.

He only managed to get about twenty feet before he hit a bump, sending him flying into the concrete.

"Jeremy!" Lizzie yelled, running after him.

"You're okay Jeremy. Come on, you're okay," she said, helping him up off the ground.

"Not bad for your first try! Only a few scrapes and not a single broken bone! Now come on, let's walk it off and try a few more times before lunch. Alright, now step on like I showed you. Good, now hold onto my shoulder. Ready? Alright, let's go."

* * *

It took them twelve more tries before Jeremy was able to start moving on his own, stay standing, then stop again. By then they were both exhausted, Jeremy was covered in scrapes and bruises (battle scars, as Lizzie called them), and more than ready for a break.

They walked for a few blocks, Jeremy holding the skateboard under his arm, until they came to the nearest Burger King. They both collapsed into the chairs before ordering anything.

"I'll order for both of us so you can stay here and rest. What do you want?"

He looked at the menu a while before deciding: "A double cheeseburger with no mustard, no ketchup, no lettuce, no tomato, and no mayonnaise."

"So…just meat, bread and cheese?"

"Yup."

"Ew. Continue."

"And a bottle of water."

"That's it?"

"Well apparently I'm the one paying for the entire day, so we have to make it last."

"Actually, I was just messing with you. My dad gave me enough to pay for everything today."

"What? Then why did I have to buy the skateboard?"

"Because you're face looks funny when you get annoyed. Like right now," she said, turning to walk up to the counter and order their lunch.

She could hear Jeremy grumbling, but was too far away to hear what he was saying. She was pretty sure she heard the words "Stupid" "Skateboard" and "Lizzie" somewhere in there, which made her laugh a little bit.

Roughly five minutes later they were both munching on their food, discussing what they should do next, while Lizzie also gave him instructions on how to eat without dropping food on his clothes.

"Hold it out over the table further. Now take a bite. No! Keep it out over the table. Use your neck. Lean forward and stretch your neck. Now take a bite. Good."

"So where are we going next? JCP or to get shampoo? And can we skip the costume store please?" he asked after he had swallowed.

"Well, I was thinking instead of just buying shampoo, we should have your hair washed and cut at the salon, so you can see the proper way of doing it. And they have much fancier shampoo there. That will probably take a while, so we might want to do clothes first and finish with your hair. And the costume store...Well, we haven't had any situations in which we needed to be cats come up yet so...I guess we can skip the costume store, yeah."

"Sounds good," said Jeremy, who was open to a lot more now that he knew he wasn't paying for anything.

"Good. Hurry up and finish so we can go. But not too quickly. You don't want to get food on your clothes."

* * *

"I'm not too sure about this," Jeremy whispered to Lizzie as a lady holding a large pair of scissors greeted them cheerily as they walked in the door of the salon.

"Don't be silly. It's just a haircut, it won't kill you."

"Positive?" he asked, still eyeing the scissors.

"Duh. Come on, you've had haircuts before, haven't you?"

"Well, yeah, but usually my mom does it."

"Ah, that explains it. You know I love your mom, but she sucks at hair-cutting." Lizzie stopped talking as she lady at the counter put her scissors down and came to stand in front of them.

"Hello there! How can I help you two?" she asked, smiling so widely that Jeremy worried that her face might split in half.

"He needs a wash and a cut. I'm paying," Lizzie said, undeterred by the lady's excessive perkiness.

"Nothing for yourself?" she questioned, smiling, if possible, even more brightly.

"No ma'am."

"Well, alright then. If you'll follow me sir," she beckoned for Jeremy to follow her to the back of the salon, still not breaking her smile.

Jeremy followed to a series of sinks and chairs lined up against the back wall of the salon.

"If you'll take a seat sir, we'll get started."

Jeremy took one last wary glance at Lizzie, who flashed him a thumbs-up and sat down in one of the waiting chairs, before sitting down and allowing the creepy smiling lady to wash and cut his hair.

* * *

"Wow," Jeremy said, stunned as the lady turned his chair around to look at the mirror.

"You got that right," Lizzie said walking up to stand behind him. "You look…wow. I've never seen your hair this clean before. Or short," she added as an afterthought.

The smiling lady interrupted their awe at the state of Jeremy's hair, asking Lizzie if they were finished and ready to pay.

"Oh! Oh, yes ma'am. Sorry," she said, blushing again as she realized she had been staring.

"Alright, that will be sixteen dollars total," she said looking at Lizzie expectantly.

"Oh wait, I forgot something. We need a bottle of whatever shampoo you used on him," she said gesturing to Jeremy, who was getting up from the chair to stand next to her.

"Biolage, eleven-fifty, which comes to," she paused, doing the math in her head, "twenty-seven dollars and fifty cents. Will that be all? No conditioner or styling gel?"

"No ma'am, that's all."

"Excellent. Thank you very much. Have a lovely day!" she chirped brightly after Lizzie handed her the money, plus a tip.

"You too," Jeremy said as he and Lizzie walked out the door of the salon, ready to face the next challenge of the day.

**A/N And there you go! Much longer than the last one. That makes me happy too. I will try to upload the next one sooner, but I can't promise anything, so please don't give up on me. I WILL update eventually, even if it takes me months (which I reallyreallyreally hope it doesn't. The next chapter will be the last one, which is where all the glorious fluff will appear. So...yeah. That's it. Thanks for reading! Review if you please. You'll get a hug. And maybe a virtual cookie, if Jeremy didn't eat them all. -Cj**


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